约了母亲饮茶，走出门口，一阵热浪卷来，才想起今天气温超九十度，昨晚锦衣夜行还披着小外套，现在看着满街短裤小背心觉得突兀，远处传来冰琪淋车的音乐，夏天到了，阳光，沙滩，海浪，绿草坪，棒球赛，户外摇摆舞。。。我找不出不快乐的理由。

母亲一贯地唠叨，看不过眼我的掉儿郎当，见面不到三秒钟家训连连，“嫁人也没个嫁人的样子，有事没事绕着地球跑，小心哪天被休了！”对着老妈痛心疾首的模样，口里唯唯喏喏，保证痛改前非，心里想着北极的光圈，南极的企鹅。阴逢阳违的本事早十年八载前练就。

究竟嫁人后该什麽样子，母亲也说不出个所以然来，反正不是我这般嬉皮笑脸，随心所欲的样子。 想做饭时先到上一杯红酒，放上一段爵士乐， 边踩拍子边喝酒边切菜，象画画般配好颜色，轻描淡写地端出头台再捧上主菜。 看别人战战兢兢地维持一段婚姻，再看自身扮家家的游戏态度，也觉好笑。但或许太严肃太认真的人反而对婚姻容易失望，因期望太多，付出太大。 到不如大而化之，轻松自在。 

推点心车的阿姨们每周末见的，很熟，都过来打招呼，对母亲也热情，一个个对伊说，“好福气，女儿漂亮，又能干，又孝顺。” 母亲来不及地谦逊，来不及地数落我的劣迹，我顾着吃，也不管伊说些什麽，时不时点头赞同，阿姨们看着我笑，道我好脾气。

早几年还计较别人的看法，如今是懒得理论。在别人眼里好也罢，不好也罢，于我何忧哉？母亲一生精明能干，聪慧利落，自然不喜我的闲散疏懒，然而也逐渐明白人各有志，不愿在大机构里勾心斗角的女儿自有一番洒脱优然，也就做罢，只是常心有不甘地说可惜。

我看着母亲鬓边的银丝，心戚戚然。 儿时身子瀛弱，母亲三天两日带着我求医，又寻遍偏方，挖空心思调理，不是不辛苦。少年时期的叛逆则让母亲措手不及，记得十一二岁时愤怒地跟伊理论，“你把我带到这世上，可有征求过我的意见？假如有选择，我不要当你女儿。”受旧式女子无才便是德教育的母亲震惊心酸的神情，想起歉疚，后来母亲再唠叨也忍耐十分。

在这突然而至的夏日里，我在母亲的衣袂间捕捉到一丝清凉。

And, there she was, as if summoned by my memory of past, hugging me, smiling at me, telling me that my black dress was too sexy and that she was being shown short as always. I hugged her, smiled at her, told her that her heart print silk tunic dress is very in and that she should stop bitching about everything.

In our twenties, we were both ambitious, aggressive and bitchy like any other corporate rats. Now, with the rough edge fine tuned, we ease into a controlled and relaxed mode.

We both laughed at the reminiscence of our first encounter. At a company cocktail party, in the middle of a conversation, some girl charged straight at me from the other end of the room. Before I could extend her the routine courtesy of a handshake and offer my name, she went on and on,

“I know you. You are the one who passed the exam in one shot. That is amazing! I have never met anyone who did that. I saw you in school before and always think of you as a bimbo, that you only care about your look…”

I almost choked by the Cosmopolitan I was sipping when I heard the word “bimbo” was used to describe me in the year when most perceived me as an overachiever - being at the top of the class, running a business, leading an honor society, dating the hottest man in school, passing one of the hardest exam that many fail many times, dining and wining with recruiters of top firms, getting competing job offers. But there and then, a stranger made a judgment on me and decided to call me a bimbo. It was too ironic that I couldn’t even take offense. I glanced at her and sensed that I was dealing with some different species, possibly more alien than Martians. I decided to play cool and responded causally, “Maybe I am a bimbo but just got lucky. Life isn’t fair after all.”

Strange as it sounded, we became good friends after that. She was an only child, very spoiled and self centered, but her longing for friendship made her cave in to my strict demand of punctuality and endure my from time to time sarcasm while I was often amused by her outspokenness and intrigued by her simplicity. 

“I guess you are not a bimbo after all” She vindicated her judgment, after our trip on the time machine to visit the past. 

“I am greatly obliged, your honor.” I said with a mocking solemnity.

Maybe the world would be a better place and we would all be happier if we stop making judgment on each other. Rather, we should think of ourselves as a new soul at the start of everyday, fresh and curious, never take anything for granted and never stop learning.

宽乍正好，但嫌稍长，拿到相熟干洗店里修改。 店主是一对老夫妇，香港人，大概在我出生前就已来了纽约，靠一片小店谋生，现今儿女各自成家立业，两老早可退休却依然守着，想也是些许寄托吧。

女主人正在对着送来干洗的一件婚纱皱眉头，见我进门，忙不及招我过去看，说，“信不信有这麽难看的婚纱？腰上居然系黑色瑚蝶结。”我看着也较怪诞，然人各有好，不便作评，笑笑不语。

“你的婚纱是我见过最靓。旗袍亦是。我一直以为你是搞设计的。还有呀，你是婚纱干洗装盒后拿走的最快的。你知不知道有些人一放一年，打极电话都不拿。。。” 老人家把每回见到我必说的话又重复一遍。

常半玩笑说是看到婚纱后才下定决心结婚的，订婚钻戒不作数。当时新娘杂志上泛滥着裸肩露臂的直筒或A字型现代简约主义婚纱，总不合意。寻觅多时后对一款古色古香的宫廷式设计倾心，奶油白，船型领口开至肩部，蕾丝袖子由乍而宽成菏叶状，束腰蓬裙，把人带回到几个世纪前的奢靡。 站在中央公园古老餐厅里的水晶吊灯下，波斯湾红地毯上，接受着每一位客人的赞美和祝福，我知道我的婚纱是完美的。Flo 在婚礼很久后还念念不忘，“整个婚礼中，我老想着一部电影 - 茜茜公主。”

自干洗店里回来，收到敏的婚贴，酒红色烫金的请贴沉甸甸的，连邮票都是专门定做，梅花设计并印有两家姓氏，不由叫好。 虽说婚礼只是形式，丰俭由人，隆重的婚礼不保证两人白头偕老，旅行结婚牵手一生的大有人在，还是喜欢计划周全，面面俱到的礼节。 最理想的是交往一年，太短嫌草率，太长则梦多，然后定婚，一年后举行婚礼。一年时间筹划婚礼，考验两人的能力，耐性，磨练相互间的妥协和包容。如果准新郎没被诸多鸡毛蒜皮的细节烦死，或准新娘没在受不了压力后三番五次除下订婚戒，两人才有望在婚礼当天接受亲友们的祝福，然后继续受炼。

除了组织捐款和请愿红十字会外，我不知道我还能做什麽. 逝者已矣，生者不过尽人事而已。我是这麽地渴望阳光，风雨后的阳光。 阳光下的悲剧显得温柔些，阳光下的我会笑得灿烂些。我想念处女群岛如绸的白沙，彩色的鱼群， 想念地中海无声的柔情，不渝的浪漫。

去年到云南某小城时，已是六月底，一下火车，便见路边卖杨梅的三几摊子，一颗颗硕大熟透红得发黑，未入口已知其酸甜美味。捧着一别十五年的果子，欣喜恐要比重逢经年未见的初恋情人多些。一路吃一路走到旅馆，才觉得有些怪，六月底怎麽会有杨梅，不会是想得太多后的幻觉吧。再想想可能是云南气候自成一格，水果成熟季节也不同于江南闽南岭南等地，益发珍惜这段机缘。

晶打算五月中回中国，坐在一家古巴小饭馆里，伊牢骚不少。两个月前才经受种种烦琐手续入了美籍拿了护照，如今办中国签证又连连受气。只给一次往返一月期限，还要做背景调查，还要中国亲友的邀请信做担保，费用吓人。

“背景调查？” 我不解，智利的红酒显然无助于分析复杂的政治问题。

“怕我们是藏独分子呢。”伊无奈。

我一口酒哽在喉里，半晌无言，胸口隐隐作疼。美籍华人时不时被扣上中国间谍的罪名，还可以喊喊冤，官司一路打到高级法院出一口闷气，讨一声公道。被母国怀疑是藏独分子的委屈如何从何说起？

一个政权如果治国有方，用人得法，理财有道，何至于千千万万子民飘洋过海，唯异国鼻息是仰？ 我们既来之，则安之，抛却对故土的牵挂， 割断对亲情的不舍，把在陌生的国度默默飘泊着挣扎着的孤独和痛楚埋葬在时间的残酷里。很多人在很久前便可以入籍却宁愿拿着绿卡跑遍纽约欧洲各国领事馆办签证，只为一份对生我养我的国度的依恋。入美国籍是一个无奈的抉择，但我们明白多年后发展中白热化的中国已变得很陌生，人人向钱看的价值观更是不敢不愿苟同，于是退而求其次，决定归附养我教我的国家。又如果中美外交如欧美关系，持双重护照不应是件难事，又何必闹得鸡犬不宁？

“这回可以吃到杨梅了。季节刚好。一起去吧？”晶见我低头落落寡欢，逗我开怀。

我抬起头，窗外一片漆黑，远处却似有一片晴空，一树繁盛茂密的杨梅随风摇曳，童年玩伴们三三两两， 有的跳绳，有的绣花，有的读书，然而人堆里找不到自己。

我再低下头，转动着酒杯，看着紫红色液体缓缓摆动，良久，再抬起头，笑笑说，

“明年吧。等风平浪静时，我们去摘杨梅。”

“You are very cute.” He said.

Marianna got turned off all of a sudden, with a cold“thank you”, left him standing chilled. The poor fellow would probably puzzle what he had done wrong for the rest of his life.

At every dinner in the next few days, Marianna was obsessed with this incident.

“What did he mean by cute? It is not beautiful, not sexy. It conveys nothing. Anything can be described as cute. I would rather be anything but cute. I am not cute! I AM NOT CUTE!” She was almost in tears, upsetting, so were we, laughing.

As amusing as it was, I had to admit that she got a point. Ranking all the compliments I received in the past years, cute was surely not the best one can get.

“Glamour” is in a Vera Wang ice blue satin evening gown and Jackie O hairdo smoothing 500 guests at my brother’s wedding.

“dazzling” is in a custom made lilac brocade silk Qipao hosting a Guzhen concert at Lincoln Center.

“Stunning” is in a Versace burgundy jeweled cocktail dress chatting at the Carlyle Group gala in the Air and Space Museum in DC.

“Drop dead gorgeous” is in a black second skin mini dress and a pair of stiletto dancing in a club in Flatrion.

“Beautiful” is in a Diane von Furstenburg white wrap dress testing wine in Napa Valley.

“Pretty” is in a Bluemarine dusty rose chiffon long skirt with ballet flats lunching at the Boathouse in Central Park.

“Sexy” is in a pair of Roberto Cavalli dark blue demin jeans with a halter top dinning in a jazz restaurant on St Mark Place.

“Attractive” is in a retro multi color geometric print dress conversing in the lounge at the Algunqin Hotel.

“Exotic” is in white bikinis with tanned skin coming out of the ocean after a swim in Virgin Islands.

Though all are very flattering, they usually refer to the first impression of the appearance, which can change over time and setting. On the other hand, “cute” and “adorable” are remarks on the personality with a sense of affection and the feeling of not able to resist. One would describe the penguin surfing on the wave in the Galapagos as cute that one wants to touch it. One would say an infant with rosy cheeks is adorable that one can’t help caressing him. 

“I would rather be cute than be beautiful.”

I thought to myself after comparing all definitions but knowing that wouldn’t sooth her wound, I said instead,

“Of course not. You are not cute, you are beautiful and sexy, sweetie.”

蓼在华尔街上班，两年前被调到香港，几回路过约伊午餐，听伊吐苦水：上司如何如何专制，全盘家长制管理，下属工作十四小时后的私人生活也要过问；上海派来的同事年纪轻轻厚黑学练得炉火纯青，上司随口说某种酒好立时三刻买来奉上；任何话题都绕着钱字转，炒股炒楼炒金，真真琐碎死人了。 听得来毛骨耸然，暗自庆幸数年前没有在重金和升级诱惑下外调香港。

四月初蓼休假回纽约，约了伊在中城故乡味晚饭。伊说正合心意，香港吃不到好的川菜。故乡味离正宗两字在行家看来可能还有段距离，但在纽约算是不错了。朋友中四川人都喜欢上这里。一道“菜根土鸡”凉拌做得香嫩鲜滑，上回吃过后念念不忘，于是又点。吃了半天都是骨头，不见肉，伺者解释土鸡不关在笼子里，跑来跑去地比较瘦。心想也不至于瘦成这样，嘴里说， “嗳，运动过量。” 伺者大笑。

“两年没回来了。还习惯吗？” 我闲闲问蓼。

“纽约没多大变化。跟两年前一样。” 她说。

我点头，发展饱和的都市是变不到哪里去，不外是同家店面换了主。

“那你觉得是好呢，还是不好？” 我好奇。

“好。不像北京，三天两头换副面孔，人都快疯掉了。”她生于长于北京，想必怀念老北京的种种。

去过北京两次，印象奇差，和想象中的古都相去太远，走在街上有种错位的惶然。店员们回话时双眼朝天，让人诧异是否天安门上的一片天里藏有我等不能参透的玄机。 口气也粗鲁，有次点完菜委屈向朋友说，“那人好凶哦。”朋友教训了我一顿，“你太敏感了。北方人说话都这样。那像你们，嗲死人。”想想也有道理，在新疆问路时当地人就常听不懂，不是发音不准，而是口气语调相去太远，当地人还常学我说话的腔调当娱乐。

“唉，北京是四不象，为了一个奥运，也太”我叹叹气。

“太折腾了”两人同声说，又都摇头，又都笑了。

友情中最动人处是点到为止，一切尽在不言中。

“台湾选了马英九呢。”她大学时上过马英九姐姐马以兰的课，多少有些关心。

“是呀。总统选卖像好的总没错。就算被骗也心甘情愿。” 十年前在纽约见过马英九一次，要到那时才明白气质风度等字眼不是小说家们的杜撰。

“那你一定是拥护奥巴马了。”她猜测。

“当然。 喜拉莉像机器人，毫无人气。才干是有的，然则领袖更需要的是号召力和魅力。”我不讳言我对这女人的厌恶。

“她说就冲她是女人，女选民们就该选她。”蓼提起喜拉莉的口号之一。

“饶我吧。她是女人？她比很多男人都更像男人。” 我说完忍不住笑。凭这句话我已经扭转了很多女友选喜拉莉的念头。

“你也该调回纽约了吧.明年一起滑雪。” 我引诱她。

“不容易呢。公司裁员还在继续，哪来空位？”她有些无奈，说这边旧同事人人自危，等拿绿卡的则更忧心忡忡。

一叶知秋，我不禁有些失神。美元一日低过一日，耳闻过八七年十月十九号股市大落惨况，亲身经受过九十年代初的萧条，想多了难免担心。骤然间又想念香港的山水高楼，港人知天乐命的个性和豁达。

“I was about to leave you a love note.” I teased him.

The secretary giggled. Howard brushed. Having known him when he started a one person show fifteen years ago to running a company of three locations and thirty employees, from my managing a small firm to various corporate posts to temporary retirement, from his son a baby in the cradle to grow up to my height, how time flies!

I flipped through the returns and made a few comments. 

“You didn´t lose your edge after all these years. Sharper still.” He said after watching how the bottom line went down. 

“Unlikely considering corporate jobs are designed to create idiocracy. I often told my colleagues that we should have been compensated more for the loss of intelligence at work”  I smirked.

“It is painful, isn´t it?” He made a remark when I was writing the check, referring to the tax payment.

“Yes when I know it is going to be used to send another soldier to Iraq or to fund a CIA agent to stir up a riot in Tibet .” I sighed. The feeling of helpless and no control frustrated me often.

“Don´t you support the independence of Tibet ?” He contested me for argument sake. 

Many have expressed quite different opinion on this matter. I personally don´t like to comment on a current event in which in-depth information are not available and everything is not what it appears to be on the surface. Yet, I have to prepare an answer sensing that I will be questioned by others, Americans especially. 

“I will support Tibet´s freedom if Tibet is capable of being independent without the manipulation and exploitation of super powers, which is impossible.” I threw him my one liner and did not bother to explain further. Anyone with an IQ of 100 and a basic understanding of Tibet´s history and geography should know exactly what I meant.

“Precisely.”  He nodded. 

“Rather than fend off the Western media on Tibet issue, maybe what China should do is to start a movement in Alaska among the Eskimos. How does Return Alaska sound?” I improvised a solution, jokingly. 

“Sounds better than Free Tibet for sure.”  We both laughed out loud at the idea. 

然而今年，为了好友的婚礼，我拥抱着久违的纽约春天。换上飘逸的风衣，又舍不得凯斯米大衣的柔软；踩着半露趾凉鞋的轻盈，又挂念着蛇皮长筒靴的婀娜。四季分明的都市，单是换季时分的着装已足够折腾人了，更哪堪许多放不下逃不过的薄醉轻愁? 所以时装城市离不开米兰巴黎纽约而文人骚客不大出现在热带，当然高更马奇斯等又另作别论。

名店小店里橱窗里各式春装看得人心烦意乱。 和Flo到一慈善义卖会，长长的队伍排至街转角，左看右看都不像经济萧条迹象。“弱者，你的名字叫女人“ 想必是莎翁见过小女人如我等血拼后的感慨。 三四轮的筛选后，两人累得各倦在沙发一角，有气无力地聊着天。不时有拿不定主意的陌生人过来求助，太阳眼镜入不入时，凯斯米毛衣纯度如何，丝巾花色可美。

隔天中午时分给Flo打电话，说“昨天没来得及试的 Oscar de la Rental 的连衣裙，尺寸正合适，多一分嫌多，少一分嫌少，像量身订做的一样，穿着在Charleston 花园里喝下午茶正好。”

“那多好。哪天穿着我瞧瞧？”伊一副等不及的模样。

“我拍了照片发给你好了.” 不晓得下次见伊什麽时候，我折中回道。

“还是看真人的好。照片有时会遮盖某些缺点。” 伊不肯妥协。

“什麽意思？什麽意思！我在你眼里难道不是完美无缺的吗？”我痛心不已。

“是是是，完美完美。”伊在那头笑不可支。

搁下电话，伊继续伊漫长的职业妇女生涯，我拎起挎包到热逾迦室里开始自虐。更衣间里穿插着年轻的和不再年轻的但还算对得起观众的身体。 GG 被我哄着也来报到，十分钟后被高温薰得头昏脑胀的伊朝我射来的目光让人想起西伯利亚的冬天，心虚地冲伊笑笑。伊刚辞掉做了十四年的工作，说要加入我的偷懒者俱乐部，问可有入会仪式。上回在一聚会上见到两年未见的前同事们，个个有些无心恋战，一新人才出长春藤校园不久，第一次见面却连连说，“You are the legend of the group and my inspiration.” 忙劝伊好好工作，天天向上是正经。

周三下午三点中城游泳池里人头汹涌，我站在边缘上大皱眉头，不知从何下水。救生员凑过来，对池里一群人大呼小叫一番，几分钟后腾出一条空道。我笑笑道谢，开始来来去去的蛙式自由式蝶式，伊又过来指点纠正我的不足之处，热情得让人怀疑。临走时板着一张脸的前台接待员展颜一笑，“See you tomorrow, sweetie.”想是自己爱笑的缘故，街上碰到的也尽是微笑的行人。一相识者生于长于纽约，一日和伊闲聊说起纽约的种种好处，伊大吃一惊，来不及数落纽约种种的不堪，两人大眼瞪小眼，不约而同说，“Are we talking about or living in the same city?”  让伊多笑笑，也许伊有天会见到我眼里的纽约。

或许是幸运，这都市从未让我失望过，而我对这都市的眷恋亦十几年不减。爱它华灯初上时的炫烂，也爱它灯火阑珊后的神秘。少年时的挣扎因遥远而变得浪漫，存在记亿里的是眼泪后的笑容。在寒风料峭里，我拥抱着这春天，拥抱着这城市，一如刚到纽约的第一天。

Steak Pit is said to be one of the few good restaurants in Snowbird area. After a chain of disappointments in the Sushi bar, Mexican Grill and Pasta place, we figured steak house was a safe bet in the West. It was tolerable except the service was too fast without a proper break between each course. The concept of medium rare was quite a big gap from East Coast. All of us had to send it back after a first cut in to the fillet mignon. 

Without a doubt in mind, I ordered a glass of house Australian Shiraz. The waiter said they didn’t have it which seemed odd. Shiraz and Cabernet are the two stronger red wines that go well with steak and Australia is known for good Shiraz. I asked for a wine list to pick out a substitute and found Australian Shiraz was the first on the list. I requested it again with delight. The waiter apologized for his oversight. 

Half way through the meal, some local celebrity came by to say hello. He is the son of Dick Bass who is the pioneer and owner of Snowbird ski resort. The chat was always about snows and the mountain and how we all have skied on the Dick Bass trail so and so on. After he left, we went back to the topics of adventure into Africa and South America, wine in Napa and Bordeaux, concerts of Bruce Springsteen and Led Zeppelin. 

Suddenly, I saw something brownish moving on the snow outside of the glass door. It was the size of two footballs with many needles spiking out. I registered the image with my poor vocabulary of animals and announced, “Look, it is porcupine.” All city slickers stopped all motions and cramped in front of the door. The waiter took a load of bread, opened a crack of the door and threw the bread to the porcupine. “Larry comes here every night in winter.”

We were obsessed with Larry. Instead of eating our steaks, we watched Larry eat the bread. Larry was very picky and ate only the soft part of the bread leaving the crust untouched. 

I casually commented, “I usually like the crust better.”

Everyone laughed, “You two will make good friends then.”

“He looks so huggable but of course no one wants to get near him.” Someone else observed and we agreed Larry was as oxymoron as an animal can get. 

“I wonder if I can get one as a pet.” I said to myself.

Marie gave me a shovel in the elbow, “What is wrong with you? You want nothing but strange pets, camel, penguin, now porcupine.” 

I couldn’t help thinking I am eccentric as well but after all, walking a camel, a penguin and a porcupine in Central Park is a thought quite irresistible.   

Based on the waiter and the driver who took us back to the lodge later, Larry is as famous as Dick Bass in the area if not more. He had a girlfriend last year but dumped her quickly because she usually took away a big chunk of his food. Survival first, sentiment comes second. I don’t blame him.

“He is just like any man, selfish and uncaring” Robin took it quite personal.

“Yet, we can’t live without them, man or Larry” I spoke the truth as always. Robin signed and nodded reluctantly.  

Men are also lovable but dangerous, just like Larry, I thought to myself. The key is to love them as much without getting hurt. Keep a distance from him, give him enough space to maneuver, do not depend on him to survive, share most interests but always explore on your own. Love is a game with a set of rules and terms, the winner is the one who masters them, obeys them and with a bit of luck and brain, revise them sometimes.